Who should take the lead in the bedroom?

couple reading on bed

Navigating physical intimacy within a marriage can be a delicate subject, both in our discussions here on the blog and in real-life conversations. Each partner in a marriage has their unique physical needs, which can encompass aspects like the frequency of intimacy, preferred positions, and who typically takes the initiative.

In your marriage, certain roles and responsibilities are naturally assumed by each partner. For instance, one spouse might primarily handle taking out the trash. It doesn't mean the other partner never does it, but it's a role that one spouse predominantly fulfills.

Likewise, just as household chores are divided among partners, a similar pattern can emerge when it comes to initiating intimacy in the bedroom. Often, this dynamic develops because one partner has a stronger need for physical intimacy. As a result, they tend to take the lead in initiating intimacy, and this pattern becomes established in the marriage.

Today, let's explore the question of who should take the lead in the bedroom.

Is There Scriptural Guidance on Exclusive Male Initiation?

For certain individuals, they might refer to passages in the Bible that emphasize men as the spiritual leaders of their households. Personally, I don't interpret any of these scriptures to imply this extends to matters of sexual intimacy.

If you believe that it is the man's duty as the spiritual head of the family to oversee all sexual activities, then that is what works best for your marriage.

As I don't perceive this interpretation in the scriptures, I have no issues with both partners taking equal initiative or one partner doing so more frequently than the other.

Does Your Spouse Desire Your Initiative?

This is a question you should openly discuss with your spouse. I cannot possibly presume to know the dynamics of your specific relationship. If I were to guess, I would say the answer is yes; at times, we all want our partner to initiate.

You may find valuable insights by reading JD's perspective over at Sex Within Marriage regarding his wife's initiation of physical intimacy.

It's possible that your partner has already broached this topic with you. They might have expressed their desire for you to initiate lovemaking.

To some extent, their viewpoint may be influenced by your responsiveness when they seek intimacy. If you have a habit of frequently declining their advances, they may reduce their initiation attempts. This doesn't mean they no longer want to be intimate with you; it simply indicates their reluctance to face rejection repeatedly. Can you blame them?

Why is it Important for Both Partners to Take the Lead?

In my personal opinion, it's beneficial for both individuals in a marriage to take the lead at various times when it comes to sexual intimacy. If you're facing challenges in this aspect of your marriage, sharing the responsibility of initiation can help address some of these issues.

Sharing the Lead Boosts Desire

When you actively pursue your spouse, you're acknowledging your own sexual needs. Recognizing and embracing these needs is a crucial step towards finding fulfillment in your love life. It allows the desire for your spouse to naturally intensify within you.

Express Love Through Initiation

For your spouse, being pursued sexually can serve as a powerful indicator of love. I understand that this can be a complex matter within marriages. In situations where one partner has a high sex drive and the other has a lower sex drive, constant pursuit might feel burdensome.

I would encourage the partner with the lower sex drive to make an effort to initiate intimacy more frequently. This can help alleviate tension within the marriage and convey your love to your partner. Furthermore, it can contribute to an increase in your own libido.


Why I Found it Challenging to Initiate Physical Intimacy with My Husband

I faced difficulties when it came to initiating sex, even when I was in the mood.

There were various reasons contributing to my struggle in expressing my desires to him. One significant factor was my shyness in this area. I felt at ease when he initiated, but I found it challenging to admit my desires and take the lead.

Additionally, I grappled with not knowing how to initiate, and I believe many women share this experience. It's not meant to be a stereotype, but I think that, generally, men tend to have a better grasp of their desires in the bedroom than women.

The embarrassment of disclosing my needs and the lack of confidence to actively pursue my sexual desires for my husband further compounded my hesitation.

What Changed in My Perspective

Throughout the years, it became increasingly clear to me that my husband needed me to initiate our intimate moments. This act reassured him of my love for him, mirroring how I felt loved when he initiated with me.

We realized we were missing the mark when it came to our desires. He would ask at inconvenient times, leading me to decline his advances. Consequently, he became hesitant about initiating, causing our frequency to decline.

Recognizing that our intimacy was less frequent than in the early stages of our relationship, I knew I had to take action. This realization prompted me to learn how to initiate.

Since I made the decision to take the lead on occasion, it has transformed our love life. It fulfills the needs of both my husband and myself.

While I can't make the choice for you, I strongly encourage you to work on this aspect if you rarely initiate. You may discover that it elevates your intimacy to a new level.